Does it get better?

Soooo.. God when does it actually get better?

This has been my question for quite some time now. Things have just seemed to been going in the opposite direction of where I would like them to be. I've been constantly tired and unmotivated in my relationship with Christ. Where did my fire and passion go? How do I get that spark back? How did I get to where I'm at?

Was it when I chose to date that guy I knew wasn't right? Was it when I decided to go to that party with people I shouldn't have? Or was it when I chose to give into sexual sin? The more and more I felt myself falling, the more and more it became harder to find my way back to Christ. It doesn't make it any easier that I hold guilt and become so ashamed of myself that it makes it so hard to open to God about how I am feeling. 

So what do I do now? 

I cry out like never before. I get real honest with God because let's be real, He already knows. He knew all of this was going to happen before I even thought about it. I become intentional about cutting off purposeless relationships and things that hinder me from my growth in Christ. I seek guidance and ask for help (this is hard for me because I struggle with pride and thinking I can do everything in my own strength). Seek His face. Get into the word. Simply....just don't quit. I say this to myself and to anyone else who is experiencing the same. 

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

Matthew 11:28

But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul.

Dueteromony 4:29 

Stay encouraged. 

Al. 

Beautiful Ruins.

Let me be real. 

3 years ago when I gave my heart to Christ, I, along with many other people believed that when we say "yes" the past will suddenly be wiped away and a figment of our imagination (this is the moment we all wish we had one of those flashy things from Men In Black lol). We think..I won't have to deal with the problems that I use to...I won't have to struggle with sexual sin anymore. I won't visit that one website anymore.(yep I said it) So what you're telling me I

is it'll be gone as soon as I say yes to you? Well, where the heck do I sign up. 

So wrong I was. It seemed as soon as I said yes, everything took a 180 turn. If anything more and more of my mess came up. I saw how disgusting and screwed up I really was. The more I realized how messed up I was, the more I realized how much I needed a Savior. I had been trying to do everything on my own for many years and it brought me to such a low place in life. I idolized myself and believed I could handle it without being completely dependent on God. I was depressed and couldn't handle it anymore. I gave in and begged God to come in my life. 

You see when it comes to God, He gets deep into the root of things. Getting to root of things is messy and dirty and painful. There have been many many many tearful nights. Many dry seasons. But there has also been many wonderful seasons of joy and laughter. 

Have I thought about completely throwing my hands up and walking away? I think I've lost count but there's no way I want to go back to who I use to be. Is being a Christian fun? I have some amazing brothers and sisters whom I share deep laughs with. I'm still as goofy as ever. Is being a Christian all rainbows and butterflies? Gosh no! It's hard having to see how broken you really are. Even when I verbally told God yes, my actions said otherwise. I still made mistakes and I still struggled. I still do. 

Yes, it's painful at times. Yes, I get angry and confused at God. But Yes, it's the best decision I've ever made. Yes, I've seen God do crazy amazing things in my life. Yes, I will stay with Him all the days of my life and then in Heaven lol. This seems like a rambling post but honestly that's how I talk. I don't plan these things out I just write how I feel. 

Love and blessings. 

Al.